I'm a Critter, Get me outta here

Sunday evening...  I was off work and ALL of my technological devices were playing up after a running battle with the Gods of Technology so I spat out my dummy, threw all my devices on the floor, licked my wounds, sat down with a strop on and watched the opening episode of 'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here'.... I sat for the first twenty minutes repeatedly asking the same question over and over again "Who's that then?"  OMG, what a bunch of Misfits, no-marks and has-beens (I don't think that I'm hooked) ... From the 'Silver spoon in the mouth' David Emmanuel, who frequently refers to himself in the third person to the 'I don't care' appearance of Steve Davis who turned up dressed like he had just popped down to the local Aldi to pick up a bottle of cheap Plonk.  Maybe in answer to the long standing question that has kept celebrity speculators and pundits pre-occupied for many years, we will find out just how interesting Steve Davis really is.
 I then had to quickly don my darkest sunglasses as Joey Essex entered stage left and blinded the nation by flashing his glow-in-the-dark smile and looked like he'd just stepped out of the spray tan booth, he stated that he hated confrontation and that he would never 'confrontate' anyone, he also doesn't like people  'confrontating' him... what a Prat!
but all he wants to do(and I was convinced that he was gay) is get to grips with Amy Willerton, who is this years gratuitous piece of eye candy, thrown into the jungle to try and hold the interest of the average beer swilling Neanderthal male viewer, I have no doubt that Amy's daily visits to the wash pool will be peak viewing and that these voyeuristic glimpses of the Miss Universe competitor will be a common topic of conversation at work. However, if Amy ever did agree to a romantic rendezvous with Joey, he'd probably miss the date anyway because despite successfully(only God knows how) navigating his way through the British educational system, he never actually bothered to learn that ever so overrated skill of telling the time.

At least Laila Morse, who apparently is an actress in Eastenders, a program which holds the same appeal as watching physicist Stephen Hawking recite poetry whilst dressed as a St. Trinian's prefect. At least Laila can become a surrogate Cockney Mother to Joey and help him tie his boot laces as well as other equally difficult tasks around the camp site. While the men can ogle Amy, Kian seems to be the one temptation for the ladies, he is about the twentieth member of Westlife to try and make it onto our screens in an attempt to revamp his dwindling celebrity status...dwindling? .... I've never heard of him. I believe whenever an agent comes across a good looking bloke with an Irish accent, they automatically sign him up for a celebrity reality tv show and tell everyone he was in Westlife ..... there was never that many in the group surely. 
Carlton!! now this one I remember, the hammy acting posh yank(there's a contradiction in terms) whom supposedly oozed grace and decorum whilst always complying with gentlemanly etiquette from the 'We all Love Will Smith Sitcom'...... I hope that he's first out..... I said that I remembered him, not that I liked him...

Rebecca(I'm a fish) Adlington and Lucy Pargawotsit both look dangerous to me and I wouldn't approach either in a dark alleyway. I think these are the ones that do not suffer fools lightly and will be in the middle of any volatile situation that explodes onto our screens later in the series(and I hope that Lucy smacks Joey's pearly whites out).

That leaves Matthew Wright, yet another one that I don't know, I've never heard of and I've never seen before..... but again, a prize example of modern British manhood, bouncing up and down clapping his hands together like an over excited Carnival Queen one minute and then bawling like a toddler who's had his sweets stolen the next. I have a feeling that he and Joey may be the public's playthings when it comes to bathing in cockroach piss and chewing on Aborigine bollocks.

So to sum up.... We have a bunch of overweight, tantrum throwing, sulky crybabies who talk about themselves in the third person and care more about their hair, make-up and appearance than whether their team-mates eat or not.... and then we have the girls!..... So bring on the Snakes or as most people call them Ant & Dic.

PLEASE DO NOT FEEL THE NEED TO KEEP ME UPDATED

I WILL NOT BE RUSHING TO WATCH IT AGAIN!