Halloween

I'm pretty certain that when I was a kid(yes I can remember that far back) Halloween used to be a one day event, I'm so fed up with passengers in their half hearted, lame vampire costumes, they've been hanging around for almost a week now and Halloween still isn't here yet. So I asked one guy, who like all of the others was dressed as Ray Reardon with a cut lip, if he knew what Halloween was all about. He replied "No f**king idea mate, do you?"

erm no, so I looked it up..... and after half an hour of scratching my head trying to make sense of the dozens of links and cross references on the Wikipedia page, I came up with this shortened version....
 Halloween,  also known as All Hallows' Eve is a yearly celebration on October 31,  It initiates the tridium of Hallomas(Feasts of All Saints), the time in the Christian Church calendar dedicated to remembering the dead, including saints (hallows), martyrs, and all the faithful departed believers^. According to many scholars, All Hallows' Eve is a Christianised  feast initially influenced by celtic harvest festivals with possible pagan roots.

So there you go folks, you can't say that my ramblings aren't educational... but the truth is, Haloween when we were kids meant hollowing out a small turnip, cutting a crappy face into it and shoving in a candle. Strange as it may seem, this was the peak of excitement as far as Halloween was concerned but we loved it. If you were a lucky and knew someone who was having a party , you were treated to some jelly and a few sweets or usually a toffee apple. then kids and grown ups alike dunked for apples, this entailed putting your hands behind your back and dunking your face into a galvanised tin bath(and yes, we did bathe in it) full of freezing cold water to try and grab an apple with your teeth, this gave birth to 'Water Boarding', an internationally outlawed torture technique which our parents considered to be fun for the kids. If you were lucky and had parents with a sense of humour(there's that nasty phrase again) you would be allowed to stay up late and watch a classic 'Hammer House of Horror' movie.... damn you Americanisms... film! starring Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee or both, as these were the only two horror film actors alive at the time, or so it seemed. So after standing out on a street corner in the freezing cold weather trying not to let your candle blow out, being subjected to a dose of Water Boarding, then given a sugar rush, which didn't take much in them days as we didn't consume as much sugar as the brats nowadays., then being frightened half to death by a black and white horror film with hammy pantomime style acting, you were expected to sleep ready for school in the morning. Oh what great memories!!
Total cost to parents: a turnip(usually on the turn), a few apples(some dipped in homemade toffee if you were lucky) and a candle(which everyone had in abundance due to the frequent power cuts of the seventies when the national unions used to flex their muscles).

Nowadays however it costs parents a small fortune in ornately carved pumpkins(another American imported tradition), decorations, costumes, face painting, bat witch and pumpkin shaped foods and snacks....... but the thing I hate the most of all about modern Halloween celebrations is 'Trick or Treat' (yet another American invention)where parents take their kids on an organised begging fest, so everyone one else has to traipse around the vast collections of cheap plastic(think of the Environment) Halloween tat on the supermarket shelves to purchase a whole trolley load of sweets for other peoples kids.
Parents drill into their kids that they're not to speak to or to accept sweets from strangers all year round and then on one night invite them to go and knock on  the door of every paedophile in the neighbourhood. Well bring it on, I have a large black dog who loves to pretend to be a child eating Hound of the Baskervilles.

 Halloween is now the third biggest and fastest growing sales period for confectioners after Christmas and Easter, ££££'s for the shareholders.
Modern Consumerism and market induced peer pressure at its best and they all fall for it, oh how a fool and his money are soon parted.

And don't even get me started on Christmas.... BAH HUMBUG!!!

TheRearCab's Guide to Political 'isms'

Today I overheard a group of youths discussing politics and oh boy, I've heard some claptrap in my time but these budding, misguided activists in the making who will no doubt wear rags, dye their long hair and change their name to Skunk and Lord Badger or something alike, really did take the biscuit. Whilst they agreed with some of the policies of some political factions they were still prepared to chain themselves to some ancient oak or some other such sacred tree of the Druids in order to rid the British common man of public schoolboy rule(said these privileged rich kids from West Kirby, you never hear council estate kids sharing their political beliefs in public unless they're using expletives to describe which ever party is threatening to reform the benefits system)
Their interpretation of the different political ideologies was a little confused and even I, who have been party to many a heated political debate on the mid-morning Ellesmere Port train on 'Signing On' day, was a little befuddled.

So I thought I'd help you lovely people out there by sharing my vast lack of political knowledge and my unhelpful personal translation of the main political ideologies and especially the 'isms'......So in alphabetical order:

Anarchism: Narks believe that the State and all forms of compulsive government are harmful and unnecessary to people's lives so basically, no matter who is in power, they're the wrong ones. During periods of political or civil unrest Narks can often be seen wearing hoods and masks running around the streets with brand new plasma tv's under their arms.


Communism: Those Damn Commies believe that the capitalist system is damaging to the interests of the masses and that they should unite to overturn it by revolutionary means and hand over the ownership of all land and industry to the State. Commies also believe that all men and women are equal and so are entitled to a equal share of the State's wealth. In practice the stinking rich remain stinking rich and the desperately poor remain desperately poor, with very little in between. Commies are often led by Mad, Murdering Despots who rule with an Iron fist and who make enemies, simply disappear, great 'Party' trick.

Conservatism: Tories believe that history has produced institutions and modes of Government that function well, that should be preserved for the future. Tories also believe that political change should be gradual, a slow growth process rather than revolutionary. Modern Conservatism  strongly believes in a free-market economy, this means the rape and pillage of all profitable publicly owned assets, these are then taken apart and sold off to family and school chums of the leadership at bargain basement prices resulting in instant profit for the rich and powerful and a heavy loss for the public purse, therefore taxes must go up to cover that loss. Under the underhanded and often dishonest Tories the rich will get very richer and the poor will be oppressed, without actually realising it.

Environmentalism: Hippy ideologies are very congruent to the throw-away lifestyle of modern society, a society which is growing at an unsustainable rate and consuming every natural resource, spreading like an aggressive cancer over the planet. However, the Hippy politicians sit in their expensive offices on their expensive faux leather suites in late night meetings eating overpriced, non-genetically modified vegetarian take-aways from Biodegradable cartons, unable to create any viable policies or even any False Promises (a common weapon in British Governmental election campaigns) that would make them even a marginal player in the echelons of power.

Feminism: Feminists`believe that society and the modern political system is patriarchal, hairy braless women seek to improve the political and in particular, the social and economic position of women. If Feminists ever did come to power(hahahahaha) they would immediately place a nationwide ban on all feminine hygiene products including razors, they would then pour huge government resources into building more sperm banks and perfecting the science of cloning humans, so that they could denounce all men as 'Surplus to Requirement' for the future development of the human race..... Dangerous bitches!

Liberalism: Do-gooders believe in protecting the rights and freedoms of the individual, classic liberalism encouraged a minimal role of the State, however in recent years the 'progressive liberal' Do-gooders have argued that civil liberties and freedoms must be actively safeguarded by the State. Some individual's rights, especially ones from the criminal fraternity such as burglars, rapists, mass murderers and international terrorists get the do-gooders more press coverage than normal honest folk and are therefore afforded 'the extra mile' as individuals. Do-gooders are stupid and dangerous.
 

Socialism: Socialists are motivated by the desire to improve quality of life for all members of society. They believe in a political system characterised by strong state direction in political and economic policy. Another key idea is redistribution of resources to redress inequalities inherent in free-market economy. This sounds like the perfect solution but rarely does what it says on the tin because when the socialist leaders taste the riches offered up in the corrupt corridors of power, they habitually lean the other way for self gratification and gain. 

So in Summary: Never trust any politician  from any political ideology especially during the lead up to an election, that's when they lie the most although they would pass any lie detector test because they're all trained doublethinkers..... Quote from George Orwell's 1984 “Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.”.....and how many of us believe that most modern politicians have a belief and an alibi for each face...
 My advice is to stop reading politically biased newspapers and watching the politically biased TV News channels (especially the BBC).. this is how corrupt governments brain wash the masses on a drip feed of lies,  misinterpretations and distortions of the truth... move to a small log cabin in the woods which has no connections to any mains utilities, plant lots of potatoes and onions and become self sufficient. ..for living as an under-nourished, paranoid exiled Lunatic is the only way to beat the system.. and the ONLY way to find true political freedom and happiness.... SEE YOU THERE

“To die hating them, that was freedom.” ― George Orwell, 1984

The Evening Rush Hour

With my eyes clenched tightly shut I yearned to wake to the smell of a log fire, in an idyllic country cottage on the edge of a wood with a gently flowing stream and just a few acres of arable land in which to grow and rear my daily requirements, with a vista of rolling hills and pine forests in my very own rural utopia.... but alas I was stuck in my own living nightmare, sitting in the rear cab of a slow moving, delayed train, which in turn sat at the rear of a long line of slow moving delayed trains, each filled with an overcrowded cargo of tormented souls waiting grim faced for the gates of Hell to swallow them up, an anguished mass of humanity that a mere twenty minutes earlier had been a happy horde of homeward bound commuters. I felt the grey and yellow dumpster truck of depression lurch forward and I opened my eyes, not to a vista of rolling hills but to a miserable panorama of council estate rooftops, their tiles shiny and wet in the shadow of the menacing thunder clouds overhead. Below are the litter strewn streets dotted with small groups of youths, dark clad figures with their hoods up, huddled together in the rain, patiently waiting for trouble to find them and keep them entertained for the evening. All that was needed then was a death defying aerial display from the Azkaban Tormentors Formation Flying Team to really turn it into a party.

And so I proceed with the well rehearsed dance...... with a smile in my voice (special training is required for this remarkable skill)"May I have your attention please, I would like to apologise for the delay to your journey this evening, this is due to Blah Blah Blah" this is delivered to angry disbelieving stares which become angrier and more disbelieving with every word that rains down from the PA system above.... then I wait (the dance routine)... the first rumblings of annoyance to reach my ears are the usual openers "How long is this going to take"... "I have a bus to catch" ... "This is bloody typical" ... "It's the same every time I use this train"etc. Then it's my move, so with open arms (palms up) and a look of concern and understanding on my face, I begin to apologise..... (as per the rules of the dance) there is then an onslaught of rage filled insults, accusations and threats aimed at the Company, "It's a shit service and you're a Dickhead" ... "Why can't you get the failed train out of the way, because you're a f**king useless W**ker, that's why" (in their minds, I AM the Company and I have the power of a low ranking Deity but choose not to use it simply to annoy honest hard working folk like themselves) so it can often become quite personal but still, I stand and smile inwardly thinking of my little country cottage, ignoring the barrage of verbal abuse recoiling off my invisible cloaking device..... This night will stay in their memory for ever more and after dozens of uneventful journeys home they will hit another delay and they will all say "It's every time I use this service"... and so the dance will commence.

But eventually, whatever the hold up was ahead was cleared and we got moving with a mass sigh from the passenger coach. Through sheer professionalism and with a smiling 'Public Mask' we did what we are paid a pittance to do and delivered all of the now-not-so-happy commuters safely to where they wanted to be.... at home sat in front of the TV with their favourite microwave meal on their knee. while they eagerly try to work out if their favourite character from their favourite soap (the transsexual, tattooed, body building, alcoholic  junkie who suffers from PTSD due to his covert black ops work as an undercover toilet cleaner in Saddam's Royal Palace) is going to survive whatever traumatic event that has befallen the street, the square, the village pub... or whatever other location may suffer 1000 x the national average of disasters, deaths and other dastardly deeds.....

So all was well with the world again as we hurried the last few stragglers home who had informed their loved ones that due to deadlines and redundancy threats they would have to work a little later than usual(in the pub, obviously)... and then as I was settling down to a quiet second half of my late shift........

The  Crazies and Nightcrawlers came out to play............

Self-confessed Shenaniganiser

After speaking to a close friend today, I was surprised to discover that she was blissfully unaware of the final sentence I had received because of "Ozgate"....  the troubling affair that rocked my world at the beginning of 2013. An affair that almost saw me sacked from my place of bonded slavery and lead to feelings of paranoia and depression in the following months... An affair that mutated my whole character, poisoned my persona and seriously made me consider the possibility that my sense of humour really was the result of a disturbed and twisted mind...

I likened myself to the Joker, one of the most iconic and recognized villains in popular media and archenemy of Batman, the masked weirdo in grey tights. The Joker, like me, was just a happy 'Shenaniganiser' with a quick retort for every serious 'grown up' comment he heard and a hunger for childish tomfoolery. However not all others regarded his retorts as funny and he, along with his humour was exiled from society.. hmmm Been there, well, except for the "falling into a tank of toxic chemical waste which bleaches my skin white, turns my hair green and my lips bright red" bit.... My heinous crime has gained me a little notoriety and a hero-comic type title, I wish it was 'Urban Legend' or 'Manager Slayer' as I have heard heartily announced  as I enter the messroom but it was 'Cyber Bully' and 'Troll'... these are the names that were whispered by managers around the offices in the Temple of Power.

Troll is fast becoming the 'trending' word in the modern press.... anyone who disagrees with common beliefs (or the beliefs of a particular tabloid or broadsheet that is trying to create a common belief) is referred to as a Troll... if you blog about your fear and mistrust of the Muslim family next door then you are a racist troll.
If you post a joke about a blonde using her rear view mirror to adjust her make-up then you are a sexist Troll. People react strongly and emotionally to the term Troll, anyone labelled as such a pariah on the likes of Twitter can expect a barrage of thousands threats and abuse at an alarming rate .... is this justified bullying of the bully or just an instinctive pack reaction to attack the weak and vulnerable when the smell of blood is strong.

Anyway, Troll or Legend it doesn't matter, the truth of the matter is that my humorous scribblings upset someone so much that they sought to have me sacked and that is unacceptable behaviour in a polite civilised society and in the end I myself became the victim and still am.... as my life is still out of sync with the status quo, I am still exiled from the normal working relationships that I once enjoyed .. I am a modern day Joker (but without a tight wearing nemesis) living on the edge of my peer group occasionally launching an attack with a cut-throat quick witted quip or a sarcastic salvo and then beating a hasty retreat and denying all responsibility. This is how I survive now, 'Humour in Exile', a menace, an outdated comic dinosaur roaming the shadows of a society where I feel that I no longer belong.

But I will not submit.. I am slowly but surely drawing up my plans for escape..
and I will not go quietly!

The Morning After

Today is the Morning After the Trafalgar Dinner Dance and if I have learnt one thing from last night's frivolities it's that I'm getting too old to spend the whole evening on the dance floor trying to keep up with the Younguns... oh, and a Fred Astaire I AM NOT.... But besides the tongue like Ghandi's flipflop, the bad head and the aching muscle that is my entire body, I had an absolutely brilliant night. As the traditional toast says: "To good food, good wine and good fellowship, we pay thanks"... and there was all three in abundance last night, I feel honoured to know such fantastic people and I am truly blessed to be able to call them my friends.
However, I think the senior officers on the top table were a little put out at the blatant display of happiness and gaiety emitting from the slightly over excitable diners, after all the Trafalgar dinner is supposed to be a Formal Naval Mess Dinner following VERY strict rules and etiquette. From the moment that you enter the dining room until the moment you leave there is a rule for everything you do. For example, 'Taking your seat prior to dining'

HOW TO TAKE YOUR SEAT. Take a standing position behind your seat unless you see the Mess President is seated. 
Check who is sitting on your left from the name card and, if it is a lady, remain standing until she arrives and assist her to her chair.

Only sit once the Mess President is seated. Do not touch anything on the table until after the first Grace.

Last night however was more of a free for all, a tsunami of diners hit the dining room running and squawking like escaping battery hens, once they'd finished pushing and shoving each other out of the way, they immediately sat and frantically rearranged the table settings in front of them like a mass game of cutlery chess. It was amusing to observe, everyone fidgeting as if they were receiving subliminal instructions from a single bored consciousness like the Borg Collective.

Eventually, once the Committee had mugged the Diners of sufficient funds and after the toasts and speeches were over and the tables cleared away, the dance floor was revealed.... My Favourite Part.... the old fuddy duddies in uniform had left and it was time for the Young Disco Divas(and me) to hit the floor and shake a mean welly..... which we did(some of us with a little more gusto than others), I wait in dread for the pictures to land on the virtual doormat of my Facebook Timeline.

Thank You once again folks for a fantastic night

The Trafalgar Dinner

Right, lets get started.

I am a member of the local Sea Cadet Unit Management Committee and today is the Trafalgar Dinner, our annual fund raising night to celebrate the naval victory of Lord Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar. The evening will consist of a four course formal dinner, lots of fun and games (designed to relieve the diners of their hard earned cash for the benefit of the Sea Cadet Unit), lots of drinking, frivolity and dancing... and unashamedly,  I will be Partying until I drop... This is a good thing because after such an 'Annus Horribilis' it means that I am well and truly ready to rejoin the human race and be honest to my myself as well as my loyal friends with whom I have been a bit standoffish.  I can now discard the false smiling mask that has been my protection from friends, colleagues and people in general for the last ten months, smiling and joking as if I was at peace with the world when really I was screaming silently...... there I go again bringing down the mood.... so without further ado I shall go and don my dickie and tux and escort two beautiful women to dinner...... Happy Days!