TheRearCab's Guide to Political 'isms'

Today I overheard a group of youths discussing politics and oh boy, I've heard some claptrap in my time but these budding, misguided activists in the making who will no doubt wear rags, dye their long hair and change their name to Skunk and Lord Badger or something alike, really did take the biscuit. Whilst they agreed with some of the policies of some political factions they were still prepared to chain themselves to some ancient oak or some other such sacred tree of the Druids in order to rid the British common man of public schoolboy rule(said these privileged rich kids from West Kirby, you never hear council estate kids sharing their political beliefs in public unless they're using expletives to describe which ever party is threatening to reform the benefits system)
Their interpretation of the different political ideologies was a little confused and even I, who have been party to many a heated political debate on the mid-morning Ellesmere Port train on 'Signing On' day, was a little befuddled.

So I thought I'd help you lovely people out there by sharing my vast lack of political knowledge and my unhelpful personal translation of the main political ideologies and especially the 'isms'......So in alphabetical order:

Anarchism: Narks believe that the State and all forms of compulsive government are harmful and unnecessary to people's lives so basically, no matter who is in power, they're the wrong ones. During periods of political or civil unrest Narks can often be seen wearing hoods and masks running around the streets with brand new plasma tv's under their arms.


Communism: Those Damn Commies believe that the capitalist system is damaging to the interests of the masses and that they should unite to overturn it by revolutionary means and hand over the ownership of all land and industry to the State. Commies also believe that all men and women are equal and so are entitled to a equal share of the State's wealth. In practice the stinking rich remain stinking rich and the desperately poor remain desperately poor, with very little in between. Commies are often led by Mad, Murdering Despots who rule with an Iron fist and who make enemies, simply disappear, great 'Party' trick.

Conservatism: Tories believe that history has produced institutions and modes of Government that function well, that should be preserved for the future. Tories also believe that political change should be gradual, a slow growth process rather than revolutionary. Modern Conservatism  strongly believes in a free-market economy, this means the rape and pillage of all profitable publicly owned assets, these are then taken apart and sold off to family and school chums of the leadership at bargain basement prices resulting in instant profit for the rich and powerful and a heavy loss for the public purse, therefore taxes must go up to cover that loss. Under the underhanded and often dishonest Tories the rich will get very richer and the poor will be oppressed, without actually realising it.

Environmentalism: Hippy ideologies are very congruent to the throw-away lifestyle of modern society, a society which is growing at an unsustainable rate and consuming every natural resource, spreading like an aggressive cancer over the planet. However, the Hippy politicians sit in their expensive offices on their expensive faux leather suites in late night meetings eating overpriced, non-genetically modified vegetarian take-aways from Biodegradable cartons, unable to create any viable policies or even any False Promises (a common weapon in British Governmental election campaigns) that would make them even a marginal player in the echelons of power.

Feminism: Feminists`believe that society and the modern political system is patriarchal, hairy braless women seek to improve the political and in particular, the social and economic position of women. If Feminists ever did come to power(hahahahaha) they would immediately place a nationwide ban on all feminine hygiene products including razors, they would then pour huge government resources into building more sperm banks and perfecting the science of cloning humans, so that they could denounce all men as 'Surplus to Requirement' for the future development of the human race..... Dangerous bitches!

Liberalism: Do-gooders believe in protecting the rights and freedoms of the individual, classic liberalism encouraged a minimal role of the State, however in recent years the 'progressive liberal' Do-gooders have argued that civil liberties and freedoms must be actively safeguarded by the State. Some individual's rights, especially ones from the criminal fraternity such as burglars, rapists, mass murderers and international terrorists get the do-gooders more press coverage than normal honest folk and are therefore afforded 'the extra mile' as individuals. Do-gooders are stupid and dangerous.
 

Socialism: Socialists are motivated by the desire to improve quality of life for all members of society. They believe in a political system characterised by strong state direction in political and economic policy. Another key idea is redistribution of resources to redress inequalities inherent in free-market economy. This sounds like the perfect solution but rarely does what it says on the tin because when the socialist leaders taste the riches offered up in the corrupt corridors of power, they habitually lean the other way for self gratification and gain. 

So in Summary: Never trust any politician  from any political ideology especially during the lead up to an election, that's when they lie the most although they would pass any lie detector test because they're all trained doublethinkers..... Quote from George Orwell's 1984 “Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.”.....and how many of us believe that most modern politicians have a belief and an alibi for each face...
 My advice is to stop reading politically biased newspapers and watching the politically biased TV News channels (especially the BBC).. this is how corrupt governments brain wash the masses on a drip feed of lies,  misinterpretations and distortions of the truth... move to a small log cabin in the woods which has no connections to any mains utilities, plant lots of potatoes and onions and become self sufficient. ..for living as an under-nourished, paranoid exiled Lunatic is the only way to beat the system.. and the ONLY way to find true political freedom and happiness.... SEE YOU THERE

“To die hating them, that was freedom.” ― George Orwell, 1984